The symbol of hopes and dreams coming true...
The object of desire for every young girl, woman, and bride to be...
The tangible memory of was was, what is, and what will be...
You may be wondering what my wedding dress has to do with motherhood, since this blog, after all, it directed mainly towards that aspect of who I am now and will forever be. Well, it is more connected than you could ever imagine. That wedding dress - that beautiful, perfect, unblemished dress- represents a time of happiness. The dress holds the very first major memory consisting of our little family. We didn't know it at the time...but two weeks later we found out we were pregnant. Track the dates, and you got it! We had conceived the week prior to the wedding. Our Logan was there taking part in one of the most important days in our lives...our wedding. Ryan had said I had "that glow" -- something I assumed "all blushing brides" had -- but it was Logan's glow that was shining, not mine.
But I'm not the girl who wears the dress just once! I'm not the girl who cuts up her wedding gown either so that I can wear it all around town! Nope, instead, I wear, in tact, whole, completely left the way it was on my wedding night when I finally took it off. The beautiful dress I once looked at with that extra gleam of excitement in my eye now hangs in the back of my closet, still in the white David's Bridal bag. I kept the cardboard piece in tact - the ones meant to help the dress keeps it's shape. I remember just weeks after the wedding (and after finding out we were pregnant), I tried the dress on. I felt snugger, but still fit. I remember waltzing around the bedroom feeling just as pretty in the dress as the day I found it. Then I was discovered! My secret dress reunion was short lived when Ryan walked through the door, completely surprised. I again tried the dress on a few weeks later, only this time due to my surging hormones and river flowing eyes! I was feeling incredibly low and could not seem to get a grip on my emotions, so I did the only thing I knew would bring me instant joy...I tried my wedding dress on. FAIL!!! This time I could not get it zipped up all the way. My little baby bump had popped just enough that I couldn't fit into the midsection of the dress. I remember crumpling to the floor in slow motion inside the closet, grabbing the nearest pillow, and crying until my eyes were red rimmed and puffy. And I was discovered, yet again.
There were many more scenes like this, me, the wedding dress, and the closet...always tearful. It usually happened after Ryan and I had a stupid fight, or I couldn't fit into my favorite jeans, or I just couldn't get a hold of my emotions...
Then it all happened. My life turned upside down, my world spun out of control.
I haven't tried the dress on in a while. But today it seemed fitting. After months of ignoring it I finally pulled it back out. I tried it on. It fit...a thought I had always imagined as a joyful, instead it was conflicted. As I curled up on the bed, my gown flowing all around me, my legs and feet getting lost in the skirt, and the tiny beading shimmering with each breathe I took, I couldn't help but touch my stomach --the almost-flat-again place where my baby had been the day that dress made it appearance. Surreal.
You may think a girl trying on her wedding dress when she is at an emotional low only to be discovered in tears with her skirt bustled around her while sitting in the corner of the closet with the light off is quite tragic - almost novel like. And you would be right. It is tragic. Pathetic almost. What you don't realize, is that that dress isn't a symbol of the memories I have and wish to get back. Rather, that dress is a reminder...it's an instant time travel to the place and time that I was most happy, and without realizing it, most whole -- our family--Ryan and I....and Logan. That dress is a reminder of the dreams we had in our naiveness...the dreams and hopes we still have but get crowded by the looming clouds of despair, disappointment, and heartache. That dress is a reminder of the innocence we had in the pure hopefulness for our future, for our life, for our family. That dress is a reminder that dreams do come true...That dress is my tangible comfort from a time when I didn't know a heartache like this could exist.
Truthfully, my wedding dress has everything to do with motherhood. It was not only the start to my dreams of a family, and our future. It was the start of my literal and physical part of motherhood. I will never look back on that gown as merely my wedding dress. No. That wedding dress will forever be my symbol of the hope that once was and can be again. That wedding dress is one more memory, one more wrinkle in time that I got to spend with my two boys -- Ryan and Logan.
And so, the crying in the closet in my wedding dress will continue. I will continue to be discovered that way. Ryan will continue to shake his head as if saying "it's come to this again" in his half hearted joke while still being concerned. I will continue to be that girl. And the tragic-novel scene will play out many more times.....in truth....I hope it plays out like this forever.
:: I love you, Logan, my angel baby. I will never forget your presence at our wedding. Our true symbol of love. -momma ::
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