...Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Good night cow jumping over the moon
Goodnight light
And the red balloon
Goodnight bears
Goodnight chairs
Goodnight kittens
And goodnight mittens
Goodnight clocks
And goodnight socks
Goodnight little house
And goodnight mouse
Goodnight comb
And goodnight brush
Goodnight nobody
Goodnight mush
And goodnight to the old lady
whispering "hush"
Goodnight stars
Goodnight air
Goodnight noises everywhere
--"Goodnight Moon", text by Margret Wise Brown
This book was the very first book we read to Logan while in the womb, once we learned he had developed ears! I had bought his book as beloved favorite from childhood. As Ryan and I planned and dreamed of our future as parents, we decided this would be the "family" book that we will read to our children from the womb. Each child would receive his/her own board book cover, in hopes that they would keep it tucked away to read to their children some day. Ryan loved reading to Logan, and I loved touching my belly while Ryan's voice methodically lulled both baby and mommy to sleep. Those moments were perfect, surreal, a dream come true...
You never think that the plan you have created in your head will not come to fruition. That's why you make plans! To ensure that they do happen. There's a neat order, or sometimes chaos, but organized chaos, that just falls into place. Until one day, LIFE happens. You're left open mouthed, gaping at the new organized chaos that is unfamiliar. You can only stare as the plan you had created unfolds, gets torn to shreds, and thrown into the sinking black hole of the new plan that has taken over your very strategic, safe, happy life-that-was-to-be.
Logan, my beautiful, perfect, precious "baby boy" as I called him, was born too early....25 weeks 2 days...after a sudden onset of preterm labor, short cervix, and an emergency c-section. October 28, 2010, the day my life spiraled out of my grasp of control and into the tiny hands of my 1 lb 7 oz, 13 inches long son. He was so incredibly tiny, but still so incredibly perfect. We were just entering the 3rd trimester together, happily growing along, both belly and baby, and getting to that stage in pregnancy where baby is delighted to do flips and inflict unknowing pain upon bladder and other organs, while mom is forced to sleep only on her side, waddle to and from, and wonder if she'll ever be able to see her feet again, or even get a decent shave! February 4th, our planned date for both Mom & Dad to meet our little man, seemed so close, yet not close enough. The nursery was nearly finished, plans were in order for the upcoming baby shower, and there was talk of when Grammy and PawPaw would schedule to come down to hopefully be there for the birth. But plans changed...
I could babble on and on about events leading up to the grand meeting of my son, but the memories and pain associate are too fresh for a one day blog. Those events and details will have to come in pieces as my heart and mind unlock them. What I will say, is that those days following my sons birth, I spent every waking moment crying, worrying, encouraging, and loving my baby boy. The NICU was harsh, a rough roller coaster ride at best. But the nurses were angels. The incubator was my son's warmth and harbor for safety. The those precious moments watching him wiggle, breathe, feel his fingers wrap around mine, feel the softness of his skin, his dark hair, his fuzzy body that had not developed enough yet to lose it....those moments were priceless. And even though our time in utero was shorter than should have been, I stayed true to my word to read to him every night. Goodnight Moon was first on the list and a daily ritual when I'd visit him. Oh how that booked bonded both mom, dad, and baby......
Days are long, nights are restless, and mornings are usually daunting. But as time and the world marches on, my heart finds little fireflies of hope. I am not strong enough to pick up the new copy of Goodnight Moon that I bought and read it. But I recite the words over and over again, a hundred times a day, without even realizing it. The few precious memories I have with my son are forever etched into my heart by those words.
My hope: Not to move on...but to move forward. Moving on seems so daunting and course, as if I'm leaving Logan behind. Moving forward is just finding a way to walk this new path, this new plan, this new dream with Logan and his angel wings always with me.
This is my journey...I did not choose it...but I would not change it. My tears are for the longing and the ache I have to see, touch, and be with Logan again. But to not have the tears would also take away the few joys I got to have with him. So, every night for the rest of my life, my heart will always recite "Goodnight Moon." And every morning, for the rest of my life, l will get to wake up to a new day, and say "Good morning, Son."
:: I love you, Logan, my angel baby! - Mommy ::
No comments:
Post a Comment