That's how long it's been since I blogged. Can I even call myself a blogger with a sabbatical from writing in that great length? Eh, I'm sure I'm not the first or last blogger to go decades without writing, only to fill the void with 100 wordy posts to follow.
December came and went. Our trip to NC was nothing frilly or exciting. Ryan went hunting the entire week, my sisters were in school, and I sat at home with momma, puking my guts up. Morning sickness hit me hard and I ended up with an IV fluids the day before we left. Regardless of my practical absence in mind and spirit due to my bodies rebellion, it was still nice to see family. Christmas and New Year also came and went. Christmas has lost the childhood excitement it once had, and with Logan not being present in body, it was hard to really "get in the mood." I still enjoy the "season to be jolly" and pretty lights non-the-less. It was a good Christmas. Gifts were not abundant, but what gifts we did received (or exchange) were perfect.
January, a new year and already lots of action. The 2nd week of January was a whirlwind. I had a doctor's appointment with my OB on that Monday, a consultation with the new Maternal Fetal doctor (the other one was a complete a** and I didn't trust or like him) on Thursday, and my surgery on that Friday (the 13th). Yes, I had surgery. Minor, but surgery. A cerclage was placed on my cervix (a stitch to help prevent shortening as well as keep it closed). The surgery was quick. It wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't horrid either. I was in and out of the hospital in about a 5 hour turn around. I'm in luck too, because my cervix is measuring a "long and beautiful 5.5 cm" (to quote my MF doctor). Average length is 3-4 cm and with Logan they discovered my cervix had shortened to 0.7 cm. What a difference! My doctor says my cervix is currently a "winding path." I'll take that as a compliment! The 3rd week of Janauary was my recoup time. I developed a UTI (minor but annoying). Other than that, things look great. Except....the stupid morning sickness. I had a couple of weeks of mild waves of nausea and only the occassionaly puking sessions (every 3 or 4 days maybe). I had weened myself down to 1 pill a day, usually around dinner. This baby must be active around then because I get waves of nausea that I can't shake. This past week the throwing up came back full throttle. Apparently my baby is a little rebel. S/he hasn't quite gotten the memo that we're in the 2nd trimester and it's OK to let mommy have a break. Nope. If I eat anything other than cheese (that's right, this baby loves CHEESE! Grilled cheese, cheese sandwiches, cheese on crackers, mac-n-cheese, cottage cheese, you name it. I think I'm housing a mouse, not a baby!), I'm nauseaous for hours and usually end up hugging the "throne." I swear, if I never puked another day in my life it would be HEAVEN. I just don't understand bulemia. Puking is horrid. It tastes awful; it hurts, and it leaves me exhausted. Hopefully it passes soon (for good!).
February is knocking on our doors! What? Where did the first month of 2012 go??? Somehow I missed most of it. It's one giant blur. February brings the month of "LOVE." I have planned a 1 night get away to the beach the weekend before. I cannot wait! I feel like the past 3 months have been spent hugging a toilet, staring at a bathroom wall, sitting on our couch, or sleeping. I want to lay on the beach, feel the sand between my toes, and enjoy the sunshine!!! Please let me enjoy the sunshine, baby! Before I'm a sitting whale! We're also hoping to find out the baby's sex this month (maybe even this Friday!?!?!?!, oh, please cooperate, baby, Please!?!). If not, then definitely before the end of February. I'm finally starting to be ok with thinking about a nursery, decorations, baby purchases, ect. But it's so darn hard without knowing boy or girl. More details to come.....
This new year hasn't been unkind, but it hasn't been kind either. It's been ups and downs. My last pregnancy was pretty uneventful, actually near perfect...until the preterm labor. This pregnancy has been nothing but exhausting. I love this baby. I just can't grasp why this has to be so hard though. As if sitting at a cemetery on a warm afternoon just before sunset, picking the weeds out from around the little stone with those tiny little footrpints and surrounding angel wings, and bearing gifts of plastic and cloth flowers isn't burden enough. I miss Logan with each breath that I take. I want this new pregnancy with each breath that I take. But I hate that the love I have for both my babies is toyed with, taunted, and stretched so utterly thin. Being pregnant is not easy. But being pregnant after a loss is like living everyrday on the edge of a cliff wondering "Is today the day I fall off?" This journey is bumpy. This journey is dark. This journey is not for the faint of heart. But it's all I have right now.
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