Somewhere over the ::Rainbow::

So, I guess it's time I confess:  We are expecting! -- Expecting a baby!

 By my last few posts, you can probably tell that I was near giving up.  I was exhausted mentally, physically, and most of all emotionally.  I was sad, angry, frustrated.  I missed Logan more than ever (that never changes!) and I was losing hope in my faith, in my body, and in our dream to be parents.  I can't say that I completely lost hope. We were no where near thinking about other options -- IUI, IVF, adoption -- but the thought that I may never be able to carry a baby again did come to mind, to the point that I was asking Ryan if he would be ok with that.  Logan's birthday came and went.  I tested on the day of his birthday, hoping and praying that all my inner instincts were wrong and that we'd be given a gift on his birthday.  A promise, if you will, from God, that my Logan was safe and that we were in His good graces.  It was negative.  A week later, when I was due to start my period, Ryan asked me to test.  I wished with all my heart not to.  I didn't want to stare at another negative test -- 1 more to add to the pile of negative tests of the past.  I got up early to go for run and decided to take a test against my better judgement.  I barely let the pee dry, waiting maybe a minute, before becoming frustrated by the whiteness that glared at me.  I tossed in the trash and left the house with an agonizing frustration powering my legs forward.  20 - 30 minutes later I returned home to get ready for work. Something in my head told me to look at the test.  I debated this with myself for several seconds, resolving that I was officially a nut job.  Finally, I dug the test out of the trash.  Yes.  Out.Of.The.Trash.  Crazy!!!!  And there it was.  Two faint pink lines.  Great.  That's all I could think.  Great.  A faulty test.  Leave it to me to get the 1 damn faulty test.  I have taken many pregnancy tests in my days and NEVER have I gone back to the trash to find a positive test after being negative.  I reread all the instructions which clearly stated to wait 3 to 10 minutes but not to read the test after 10 minutes.  There it came again -- "Great."  I had waited maybe a minute and I came back to the test well after the 10 minute window.  I couldn't be sure if the test developed within the readable time frame or after.  And now, I had no pee left and only 15 minutes before I needed to be out the door.  When Ryan got up, I explained everything to him, but was clear that "it could (most likely) was a faulty test...the chemicals can change after the 10 minute window."  He was ok with that explanation but asked that I test again when I got home.  So, I (attempted to) work -- yeah right!  I held my pee from lunch until time to go home.  I was practically doing the potty dance in the middle of our local grocery store trying to decide which tests to buy.  I was completely out.  I couldn't decide so I bought 2 boxes -- 1 with pink lines, 1 with digital reading.  Before I could sit my purse down after walking in the front door, Ryan gave me that "are you going to test" look.  So I did.  I have never felt so relieved to pee in my life!!!  This time, I walked away from the test and set a timer for 7 minutes -- right in the window, a safe bet.  When I returned -- 2 pink lines, this time darker!  I came walking out of the bathroom, shaking, and ranting to Ryan that Publix was selling us all faulty tests! (they were the same brand as the morning test).  I couldn't and wouldn't believe until I saw the word pregnant.  One digital test later - "Pregnant."  I was speechless.  I honestly thought this wouldn't happen to be again...atleast not any time soon.  I was torn between shaking, screaming, and crying.  Instead, I paced for a few minutes, then cried, then took a shower.  I need to process everything.... Some days...no, most days, I still do.

Here we are, 2 weeks from our positive pregnancy test.  I didn't have any strong symptoms up until this week.  The need to pee every 2 seconds, restlessness, bloating, sore boobs.  Then yesterday, out of nowhere, morning sickness - which in my world is actually random-all-day sickness.  Yep, I'm pregnant!

Tomorrow is our first doctor's appointment.  I am considered high risk, so there will be lots to go over tomorrow.  Even though this is my second pregnancy, it will be nothing like my first, so I have no clue what to expect.  Of course this will be more updates to come.  I have everything crossed that maybe, just maybe, we'll get an early ultrasound.  I want to see my little pea-sized baby and it's heart beat.

Ryan and I are beyond excited.  But we're also terrified.  We are praying, hoping, and trying to believe this is our take home baby.  Our rainbow baby.  I have always loved the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."  It's one of the songs I sang to Logan the 1st and last time I held him.  I like to think that us getting pregnant the month of his birthday (implantation likely happening on or around his actual birthday) was something he and God worked up.  I like to think that this is our "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" on Logan's behalf.

I'm nervous for this pregnancy.  I'm nervous about mixing my grief/healing with the growth of this baby.  I'm worrying about giving not enough or even more love to this baby than I did Logan.  I'm afraid this is all just a dream that I will wake up from.  I love and miss Logan.  I love and want this baby.  I'm still trying to believe...

:: Dear "Newbie" as your aunt Stephy likes to call you, please be our Rainbow Baby.  Please be the baby we get to take home, to love in the flesh, to teach, to cuddle, to raise.  Please teach Mommy how to be herself again, how to love wholly without fear.  Please stay safely tucked away in Mommy's incubator uterus until your fully grown and ready to make your appearance.  I don't care about the symptoms.  I can take anything for 9 months as long as I get to see your beautiful face, kiss your tiny hands and feet, and take you home with me.  I already love you so much, little one.  Me and Daddy both are so happy you have chosen us to be your parents.  And no matter what happens, we will always love you...always.::

:: Logan - Hey Baby boy.  Is this your doing?  Did you play some role in sending us your little brother or sister?  In my heart, I know you're watching over me and daddy, and in a way, I sense that you and your sibling have already been acquainted.  You know each other well.  Thank you, baby boy.  Thank you for sending me all your signs that you are around.  You know I need these -- the pennies, the 28's everywhere.  I miss you so much.  My arms miss you.  But you have your path.  You have your wings.  I love you, darling.  You will forever be my first born, and you will forever have a Logan shape in my heart that no one else can fill.  I hope you always know that. - Mommy::