I don't have the energy emotionally or mentally to redefine and retype the box delivery. But here is an excerpt from an email I typed to a close friend. I find that often, I have no clue what is really going on inside my head and heart, nor do I have those life changing, mind changing revelations until I try to express them, in words, to someone else. You have that 1 chance to express exactly what and how you feel and you want it to be as descriptive as possible so that the other person understands. This time was no different.
The box delivery went ok. The moment I walked in, the smell of that place took me back. It was as if scenes replayed right in front of my eyes. The nurses were a little confusing. My contacts weren't there so I had to roam the hospital over to the NICU Level 2 only to be told that I can just leave the boxes in NICU level 1 -- intensive care unit (where Logan was). I was a little annoyed about that, but maybe it was a blessing in diguise. We ended up taking the boxes to the very same NICU room I was in a year ago. The NICU was "closed" for the day. They weren't doing any renovations and they had a list lying on the counter of "shifts" for that day. My only assumption was that maybe they had no intensive-care-level babies? That would be a blessing! There were a few beds set in place. As we sat the boxes down I could clearly see the exact spot Logan was in. There were two beds on that side, one labeled "A" and the other "B." Twins. Maybe they were expecting them? I prayed that maybe they had graduated. After stacking the boxes, I took a step back. I couldn't leave. I just stood there staring at the place where Logan's incubator used to be. Then it happened. The icy substance surrounding my emotions melted in an instant and the tears flowed. I saw all of it -- the ugly green recliner, the tall unit hosting Logan's breathing machine, the blue curtain sheilding us from the rest of the NICU, the dim lights, the nursing room. I replayed the moments where they took him out of his bed using a bag respirator long enough to hook him back up again as they placed him bundled and wrapped in wires in my aching arms. *knot in throat* I miss him. I miss seeing him. I miss touching him. I miss watching him twitch. Hell, I even miss hearing the obnoxious beeps, clicks, and monitors....I stayed in the spot. I cried. And in a way, I felt as though I was finding some closure...atleast where that hospital is concerned. This time, when I walked down that long hallway; when I pushed the buzzer saying I could walk out those doors; when I road that same elevator back to floor 3; and when I walked out into the October air and climbed into my car, I didn't leave my baby behind. Instead, I left boxes that will help bring comfort and hope to other parents and babies of the NICU. Instead, I took my baby with me...in my heart...his footprints walking with me. As wrong as it is to not have your child, it somehow felt "right" to leave this time. He wasn't there. He was with me. And he always will be. That thought doesn't take away the pain, the longing, the missing him. That thought doesn't take away the ache in my arms or the tears that come and go. I'm still going to have my bad days and I've accepted that. But he was incredible. I would never change the experience I now carry with me because that experience holds the greatest joy, the greatest love, and the most incredible person I've ever met.
I never imagined you could miss someone that much. Never.
THANK YOU to anyone and everyone who helped support the Logan's Hope Build-A-Box Project. You have helped bring hope to future NICU family's. You have helped honor my baby boy. You will forever have a small part in helping me find healing, peace, and hope.
:: Hey Baby Boy! I found a penny on heads right outside the hospital doors before taking the boxes in. Was that you? I'm sure it was. It made me smile. Your birthday is coming up. Friday! Only 2 more days. I wish we were counting down together, in person. I wish I could bake you a cake and make one of those cute "1st birthday" onsies. I wish I could see your handsome face covered in icing and cake. I wish alot of things. But I won't burden you with those! Celebrate in the stars, my darling! Me and daddy left you some birthday balloons and a new light! But I know you won't be there. You're coming to NC with us to celebrate with Pawpaw and Gammy and all your aunties, right? I hope so. Look for the lights, baby boy. I'll be sending you hugs and kisses and all my love to the stars where you are. Help daddy with his test, too! You and him were so alike. Strong. Brave. And Stubborn. :) Daddy could use a little angel dust. He's going to be great no matter what, but he really wants this. And thank you for my sign at the craft fair. You give me the strength and the courage to follow my heart. I love you, baby boy! Always. -Momma ::
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